Just Crash
by downbutnotout
Summary: Tori finds out what Jade never wanted anyone to know, but Jade struggles with trusting her enough to let her in. And oh yeah, they have to sing a duet for a school concert together... Jori. TW.
1. Chapter 1

_A/N:_ Wow, first fic with this account! This is also my first Jori fic, yay! Reviews and concrit would be awesome. :)

Also, here's a little essential info: Yes, this is a Jori fic, but give it a couple of chapters! This will be curse-free. Set after Jade and Beck broke up, before they got back together. Trigger warning. (That's the most important bit.)

But without further ado, let's dive in!

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**Chapter One**

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_I don't really think that you've ever walked a mile in my shoes. I don't really think you know what I've been through.  
__-Ben Threw, Of Mice & Men_

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Tori had just closed her locker and the bell was about to ring to signify the end of the school day at Hollywood Arts when Cat sauntered up to her, twisting a piece of her hair in her fingers.

"Jade says she wants your help after school with a play she's working on," she told Tori with an eager smile.

"Why does she want my help?" Tori groaned, picking her backpack up from the ground and shouldering it. "She doesn't even like me."

"She said she needed someone stupid and naive to play the victim and I have to go home and help my brother get out of the cat flap so I can't do it," Cat chirped.

Tori blinked and raised her eyebrows at Cat. "Why was he in the..."

The petite redhead giggled. "He forgot his species again. I should really go help him. Maybe I'll use butter to get him out..."

"Um, sounds good," Tori said, torn between wanting to laugh and wanting to question further.

But before she could do either, Cat abruptly said, "Well, bye!" and skipped to the exit. As she was opening the doors she called "Good luck with Jade!" over her shoulder, and disappeared just as the bell sounded through the halls. Kids came pouring out of all the classrooms, desperate to get out of the building. They rushed around Tori, opening and closing lockers and shouting to one another, while she leaned against her locker and waited for them to be gone. It took less than two minutes for the halls to be empty once more.

Sighing again and thinking that she would much rather be going home or getting sushi as an after-school snack, Tori headed towards the small room reserved for play rehersals, where she assumed Jade would be. Her eyes wandered as she tried to figure out how someone could even become stuck in a cat flap in the first place. How could they possibly fit?

She reached the play room and pushed open the doors. She dropped her bag on one of the fold-up chairs. "I'm here!" she announced loudly, but there was no response. All she heard was the hum of the heating system and distant music played by the janitor's radio as he began cleaning the school.

Tori shook her head – typical of Jade to not even be there yet. She took the time to glance around the familiar room, noting that the lights seemed a little dimmer than usual. She thought back to all of the plays she had performed in over the years in this very room, like the one where she and Jade were forced to play husband and wife. That role really hadn't been that bad though, in retrospect.

Tori heard the clang of metal followed by what sounded like a muttered curse word from offstage, behind the thick dark curtains, and she whipped her head around in the direction the noise had come from. "Jade?" She thought the other girl wasn't there yet. If she was, why hadn't she answered when Tori shouted?

There was still no answer from the other side of the curtain. Tori was curious and a little wary, not wanting Jade to pop out of all a sudden and scare her out of her wits. She scared pretty easily.

"I know you're there, Jade. If you wanted to scare me you blew your chance!" She tried to make her voice confident, but her words were tentative.

There was silence for a couple seconds as Tori continued to advance on the curtains, treating them as though they hid a rabid animal.

Then, Jade's voice sliced through the air, loud and cocky as always. "I was just finishing something up; I wouldn't lower myself to the level of scaring children from behind curtains."

Tori breathed a sigh of relief and paused. She had actually been worried for a moment that something was wrong, but here was Jade acting the same as always.

"You know you would, Jade," she replied with a small smile.

"Yeah, you're right, I would," Jade agreed snidely.

Tori finally came around the curtains and saw Jade standing backstage with her arms crossed defiantly across her chest, her lips curled into her eternal sneer.

"You're the last person I would ever have wanted in my play, but unfortunately all of the better options were unavailable."

"Oh come on Jade, let's just work on your play and get it over with. What do you want me to do?"

"Hold. On." Jade said deliberately and with hostility. "Let me get the script." She turned her back on Tori and strode away towards her book bag to find the papers.

Tori exhaled slowly, regretting the fact that she had agreed to come at all. She didn't really want to waste her time working with Jade if all she was going to do was challenge her and be a difficult diva about the whole thing.

Tori was just turning around as she contemplated telling Jade she had changed her mind when something caught her eye. It was the glint of red on a bright silver surface, shining from the floor behind a crate. Tori approached it and saw that it was a pair of carefully sharpened scissors, with fake blood spattered on it. She picked the scissors up and nodded, impressed.

"Hey Jade, this is some really good fake blood! How did you make it?" It looked so real, and when Tori touched her finger to it, it spread across her skin, as vivid and red as the real deal, and even the perfect consistency.

"Jade, I'm serious," Tori said, turning back in the direction Jade had gone, "this is really good!" She looked up and the smile froze on her face, shocked still by the look in Jade's eyes. Her face was composed but in her eyes was the look of a panicked, caged animal. The papers from the script Jade was holding fluttered to floor, barely noticed by either of the girls.

It was then that Tori noticed the same blood dripping down Jade's hands, hovering on the tips of her fingers for an indecisive second before dropping. It was then that she saw that the red droplets splattering on the white papers were coming from Jade's wrists, not a bag or bottle. It was then that she realized that the blood on the scissors wasn't fake.

It was real.

It was Jade's.

"But Jade," Tori whispered, her wide eyes searching the other girl's.

"It's not what you think," Jade said quickly. She crossed her arms across her stomach to prevent any more blood from dripping and shuffled her feet to hide the drops on the floor, but she knew Tori had seen and understood. Tori wasn't quite as naive as she always claimed. She should have made Cat come to play the stupid role in the stupid play because that ditzy redhead never knew what was going on, and now Tori knew what Jade had never wanted anyone to know.

Without breaking her gaze, Jade shook her head slowly at Tori. Her voice quavered when she spoke. "I didn't think you were coming. I only mentioned you jokingly. I told Cat to not worry about it, I told her to just go home and help that idiotic brother of hers..."

The jab fell flat, and Tori didn't crack even the slightest smile. "But Jade, why would you..." Her voice was high pitched and strangled.

Jade couldn't answer the question; she just looked down and away, grinding her teeth in her mouth. This couldn't be happening.

Tori took a tentative step towards Jade, who immediately stepped back, away from her advance. Jade glared at her menacingly, the walls she built around herself a mile high and almost impenetrable.

"Just leave, Tori, okay? Just leave and forget what you saw." Her tone was vicious, but Tori could see that she was scared.

"Just talk to me," Tori pleaded.

Jade snickered. How could she talk to Tori, who she'd never trusted and was never particularly close to? She would probably take anything Jade told her and go to the school shrink. That was a chance not worth taking.

"No," she said, her voice cracking. "You can't fix anything." She turned and stalked away, grabbing her bag and sweeping out of the room.

Tori stared after her for a moment, watching the doors swing, her mouth agape and her thoughts tangled in her head. Jade was... doing that to herself? Why? Jade had a dark personality, that was a fact no one could deny, but was she really so tormented that she felt the need to... hurt herself? She always seemed so confident and sure of herself, far from having a sunny personality, but seemingly just as far from depression or anything like it. Or was it that she just liked the pain? Everyone knew Jade was a masochist, but somehow that explanation didn't seem right.

"Jade, _why_?"


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N:_ Thanks for the reviews and follows, guys! I was really unsure about this whole thing, but you lot made me feel better about it. You da best. xx

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**Chapter 2**

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_And I won't let you burn out tonight.  
__-Collide, Go Radio_

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Jade wasn't in school the next day.

Contrary to how Tori normally spent her days at Hollywood Arts, she continually scanned the halls and the faces of the kids in her classes, always looking for Jade. Even when the room was quiet, even when the classroom door hadn't opened or closed since the start of class, Tori would glance over her shoulder time and time again, hoping that Jade's face had appeared among the others.

"So, who are you looking for?" Beck had asked when Tori looked around for the millionth time in Sikowitz's class.

"Do you know where Jade is?"

"How could you possibly care where Jade is?" Beck asked in return, raising an eyebrow. He was slouched in his chair, arms folded across his chest, his calm attitude the perfect foil to the anxiety that was overtaking Tori.

"I'm just... curious," Tori said with a false smile.

"Right." Beck nodded, not believing her, but not interested enough to pursue the matter. "Well she's probably off kicking puppies and spreading general unhappiness."

Tori forced a small laugh, and Beck went back to listening to Sikowitz's speech with a bored expression. For once, though, Tori couldn't focus on her favorite teacher in her favorite class. The minutes dragged by and all she wanted was to find Jade and try to understand her. She wanted to provide Jade with someone she could talk to; she wanted to try helping her, as impossible as the task seemed, given how hostile Jade was to everyone. But even Jade had to need someone every once in a while, right? Or was Tori just being naïve in thinking she could help?

Her worries kept intensifying when the school day ended without her seeing Jade once, and when her calls to Jade's cell phone went straight to voicemail, and when she was laying wide awake in her bed that night, trying to fall asleep but kept awake by persistent thoughts of Jade.

When had she even started caring so much? Tori couldn't help but wonder. Most of the time Jade was far from nice to her, but they had their moments, and Tori recognized the fact that she cared about her far more than she would probably ever admit out loud. She knew Jade, or at least she thought she did, and she knew that as twisted as her mind was and as cruel as she acted, she was far from actually being a bad person.

When Tori walked into Hollywood Arts the following morning, she was hoping to see Jade although not particularly expecting to. But there she was at her locker, her physical appearance the same as always, even though Tori now saw her in an entirely different light.

Tori bit her lip, overcame a sudden indecisiveness about whether she actually wanted to go talk to Jade, and walked with determination towards the other girl.

"Hey, Jade!" she called, trying to sound nonchalant.

Jade turned at the mention of her name, but when she saw it was Tori, she closed her locker and promptly headed off in the other direction without a backward glance.

Tori stopped in her tracks and sighed, deciding it had probably been stupid to think it would be alright for her to just waltz up to Jade and ask her to spill her secrets in the middle of the school hallway.

"Wow, that was pretty rude," Robbie said, coming up beside Tori.

"I just want to talk to her, but she won't talk to me," she groaned.

"I have the same problem with girls. They always seem to have somewhere else to be when I want to talk. I guess I always catch them at the wrong moment." He shrugged.

"Hah, yeah that's it," Rex snorted sarcastically from Robbie's hand. "It has nothing to do with you being a looooser."

"I'm not a loser!" Robbie said defensively.

"Boy, even your momma says you're a loser."

"She loves me!"

"There's nothing to love!" He cackled.

"Rex, be nice to Robbie," Tori cut in, exasperated and not in the mood to put up with the pair of them.

"Yeah, listen to Tori," Robbie said with the voice of a six-year-old who had just won an argument over something as insignificant as a particular Lego.

"Fine, but only because she's pretty," Rex replied.

Robbie rolled his eyes at Rex, then turned his attention back to Tori. "So do you know what you're going to sing yet?"

"Sing? Sing for what?"

"For the concert Sikowitz was telling us about yesterday. You seemed spacey yesterday but you always pay attention to Sikowitz. He's as interesting as cheese."

"I had a lot on my mind," Tori said absently. She ran her fingers through her hair.

"It's a duet, you know. Who are you singing with?"

"Ugh, I don't know. Who are you with?"

A huge grin spread across Robbie's face. "Cat," he said gleefully.

"She only agreed to sing with him after he begged her for five hours straight," Rex informed Tori.

Tori ignored Rex and smiled back at Robbie, genuinely happy for him. "Maybe you'll be able to tell her how you feel!" she said encouragingly.

"That would mean he'd have to man up first," Rex muttered.

"Hey!" Robbie said, hurt. "Maybe I will tell her how I feel."

'_Not this again_,' Tori thought. As Rex and Robbie continued bickering, she backed away from them slowly and headed to her first class.

Time seemed to drag through the first part of the day. None of her morning classes were with Jade, which in the past had always been a fact she was content with, but not today. Her eyes were constantly on the clock and her fingers incessantly drummed on her leg.

Finally, at lunch, Tori came face to face with Jade.

Beck, Jade, and Andre were all already at the table when Tori arrived.

"Hey guys," she greeted them, smiling. She sat down to Andre's left, with Beck and Jade directly across the table from them.

"Hey Tori," Andre said. "Do you think if you dyed a vanilla cupcake brown and told people it was chocolate they would taste it as chocolate?"

"Why not just bake chocolate cupcakes?"

"Don't question the question!" Andre said, slamming his fork on the table theatrically.

Tori laughed, noting that Jade hadn't looked at her once, not even when she first came to the table. "I don't think so, because it's still a vanilla cupcake, right?"

"Thank you!" Beck said, giving Andre a pointed look. "Vanilla cupcakes taste vanilla."

"You're wrong," Andre said. "I'm going to prove it."

"What are you going to do," Tori asked, "bake dozens of chocolate cupcakes with one vanilla cupcake dyed brown mixed in?"

"You know what? Yeah, yeah. That's _exactly_ what I'm going to do."

Tori let it drop as Robbie and Cat joined them at their table, Robbie looking like the happiest boy on the planet. He had a permanent smile on his face and his cheeks were flushed. Tori noticed that he couldn't take his eyes off of Cat; they were glued to her and he was fully attentive to every move she made and every word she said, like every cell in his body was at her command.

Tori caught his eye and looked between him and Cat, silently questioning what had happened. He nodded affirmation in return, looking like he was about to explode with joy. Tori beamed back at him and felt somewhat like a proud parent. She gave him a quick thumbs up.

"So when do you want to start practicing?" Andre asked Beck after everyone had said their hellos to Robbie and Cat.

"You can come over to my place right after school," Beck shrugged casually, dipping a fry in ketchup. "Anytime's cool really."

"Great."

"You two are partners?" Tori asked them. She had planned on asking Andre if he would work with her, but it looked like that was out of the question now.

"Yeah," he said. "I was going to ask you, but you bolted out of school so fast yesterday that I never got the chance."

"Aww I have no idea who I'm going to sing with then."

"Well, Jade doesn't have a partner either because she wasn't here yesterday," Beck offered.

Jade, who had been silent the entire time so far, glared at him. He held up his hands defensively, not realizing that she now had reasons deeper than superficial dislike about why she didn't want to work with Tori on the assignment.

"So, Jade, do you want to do it together?" Tori proposed. With the question she was forcing Jade to actually acknowledge her for the first time since her discovery.

Jade kept her eyes on Beck for a moment longer, wishing she didn't have to face Tori. Then she turned her head slowly towards the other girl and stared at her with unrevealing eyes. She was challenging Tori, telling her that if she really wanted to get inside of her head, it wasn't going to be easy. All of her walls were up and no one could just saunter in and think they knew her, because they didn't. They didn't understand. _I'm not like you and I don't want you thinking you can become my friend just because of what you saw._

But what she said out loud was "Sure." Her voice was colder than ice.

Tori smiled back.

_Bring it._


	3. Chapter 3

_A/N:_ Really sorry for the wait, guys! I'm slow. :(

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**Chapter 3**

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_I should just cut all my losses and resign to the truth: This whole time I've been searching, I've been searching for you.  
__-They Don't Make 'Em Like They Used To, Man Overboard_

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"So, what kind of song do you want to sing?" Tori asked Jade with an innocent smile.

"How about a song about how much I don't want to be here right now?" Jade replied, glaring at Tori. She was sitting slouched on the couch at Tori's house, her overall posture relaxed but her teeth clenched and her hands curled into fists underneath the bag in her lap. The sharp tips of her nails dug into her palms as hard as she could will herself to drive them. The minor physical discomfort was a distraction from her thoughts, and she liked the little red crescent shaped dents her nails left behind.

She and Tori were alone in the house on a dark Saturday evening, surrounded by silence with nothing but their own words to fill it. Furthermore, the elephant in the room was creating a tension that pressed heavily on both of them, but especially Jade. She knew Tori was going to bring _it_ up, even though it was the last thing she wanted to discuss. She could deal with her problems on her own. That's what she was used to. She didn't need anybody else.

Then, just like Jade knew she would, Tori let her smile fall and she perched on the couch about two feet away from Jade. She crossed her legs Native American style and directly faced Jade.

"We _have_ to talk about this," she stated simply.

"No. We don't."

"Yes we do." Tori rolled her head on her shoulders, not sure how to approach the topic. She chose to simply dive in. Taking a deep breath, she said, "I know you... cut." She awkwardly made the motion with her hands, realized what she was doing, and retracted her hands quickly, placing them safely in her lap instead. She looked down for a second, intensely aware of the quiet. "Look, Jade, I know we fight a lot-"

"Because you're nosey and obnoxious."

"-but I really care about you."

"You think you care, but you don't. You don't know me enough to care."

Tori's lips parted but she didn't know what to say, because when she looked at Jade's dark unwelcoming eyes, she saw that she really didn't know Jade like she thought she did. She knew how she acted, the public side of her personality, but she didn't know what thoughts kept her up at night, what her demons were or what she believed was worth dying for.

Jade laughed bitterly as she saw Tori reach the realization. "You see? You see that?" She pointed her finger at Tori. "You don't know me. Stop asking questions. Let's just get this song done, Vega."

Tori shrugged her shoulders helplessly, feeling the sting of the use of her last name. It was like a demotion, although from a position she had never held. She said, "Fine."

"Good." Jade sat up straighter, pulled out her laptop, turned it on, and the two set to writing their song.

But they had only been working for fifteen minutes when they decided that they weren't getting anywhere in their writing. They lacked any sort of connection and they didn't have very much in common to write a song on. Tori wanted a generic song about living it up while Jade wanted something more complex.

"This is pointless; we can't do this," Jade growled. She slammed the laptop shut and got up from the couch. "I'm going to tell Sikowitz we can't work together."

"But we'll both fail the assignment!" Tori protested, standing as well.

"I don't care."

"I do. Let's just keep working. I bet we can figure out something we have in common!" She smiled with false enthusiasm.

"Oh yeah? Like what?" Jade challenged.

"Well..." Tori's eyes darted around the room, trying to think. "I like kids and you like torturing them! That's something, right?" She nodded encouragingly, with a wide grin.

"You're stupid," Jade replied deliberately, enunciating every syllable.

"You know what? You're just scared! Uh-huh, that's it, you're scared." Tori retorted.

Jade raised her eyebrows. "What does that _lame_ comeback have to do with anything anyway?"

"You're not letting yourself find anything that we have in common because you're scared that we might be similar in some way!"

Jade snorted condescendingly. "Well that _would_ be horrible, but your song ideas are terrible on their own."

"We might be more alike than you think," Tori insisted.

"Hah. We are nothing alike, okay? And I'm not scared of _anything_."

"Yes, you are! You're scared of the thought that someone might actually start to know you, like, completely."

"I don't _want_ anyone to know me, and don't you _dare_ think you do." Her voice had started rising with the start of the fight, but this was where she was comfortable. That touchy-feely crap wasn't for her, but heated words full of disdain were. Heated words that kept people far away from ever getting close to her.

"So what do you want?" Tori said, her voice also getting louder.

"I want you to leave me alone," Jade said, finally yelling. Her voice rang through the house, hitting Tori's ears hard and provoking her to break into yelling too.

"I know you don't want that because all everyone ever does it stay far from you. You _must_ get tired of that!"

"No, Vega, I keep it that way _on purpose_."

"So what, do you want me to just give up?" Tori snapped, throwing her hands up in the air.

"_Yes_," Jade screamed, but after she said it she was suddenly slightly unsure. That was what she wanted, wasn't it? "No," she said in a quieter voice, more to herself than to Tori. "Yes... _No_..."

"No? What do you mean no?" Tori shouted. "You can't just go changing your mind like that, all- all willy nilly."

"I mean _no_, I want you to fight! I want you to kick and scream and _fight_, because then I'll know you care! You're so stupid Tori. You don't see how much I-" She broke off suddenly.

"What, Jade, _what_?" Tori snarled. "Pushing people away and treating them like dirt isn't going to make them want to get to know you, because news flash, that kind of makes it seem like you don't want them around! I'm trying to be here for you but you're making so hard!" When Tori paused to take a breath, her brow furrowed and her lip curled up in anger, Jade understood.

What she said she wanted was someone to fight her, to force her to open up and tear down all the boundaries she'd built between herself and the rest of the world. Wasn't that exactly what Tori was doing? She wasn't the ideal person for the job in Jade's mind, far from it, but she had gone beyond mild curiosity in her questions and confrontations. Jade had to admit that she did have guts and that even if she didn't know Jade like she thought she did, she probably did care. Probably. Only probably. But that was more than anyone else lately.

And what clicked in her mind, what she finally understood, was that this was what she wanted. Everything Tori was doing and saying was what she wanted. She wanted someone that could get hot-blooded and scream at her, because that was the only way that she could understand what it meant to have someone care. Anger meant passion. She needed this. She needed Tori.

All of those thoughts passed through Jade's mind in abstract forms in less than a second. Before Tori could even begin her next sentence, Jade decisively closed the distance between them in two strides and forcefully pressed her lips to Tori's.

Tori was frozen in shock at first, unresponsive as Jade kissed her, though her eyes closed automatically. She felt the warmth on her mouth but couldn't move. She sensed the anger and confusion in Jade dissipating, her kiss becoming more gentle, her hand moving to Tori's cheek. Her fingers were light on her skin and Tori was acutely aware of the tingling at each point of contact. She felt as though the stars had come down from the night sky and reached out to her with their brilliant, soft fires.

But the first coherent thought that entered her mind was '_No_.'

Suddenly back in control of her body, she tensed and pushed Jade away with both hands. Jade stumbled back, eyes as wide as Tori's and looking horrified at what she had done. They stared at each other for an instant, both unable to form any words, before Jade turned away, grabbed her bag and bolted out the door, leaving it swinging in the frame behind her.

Tori stood unmoving for a long moment after she left, blinking uncertainly at the point where Jade had disappeared. "_What_?"


	4. Chapter 4

_A/N: _Hello again! So, heads-up, here's where the trigger warning starts to become more important. If you get bothered, skip to where the break is! :) Another thing: I had a ton of trouble writing this chapter and keeping it in character, so if it seems weird that's why. It still seems a little not-quite-right to me but I don't know what to change and I know you guys don't like to be kept waiting haha. Feedback would be awesome, as always! xo

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**Chapter 4**

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_She's got broken things where her heart should be, but I can tell there are moments when I'm really getting through.  
__-You're Dead Wrong, Mayday Parade_

xx

'_Why did I do that, why did I do that, why did I do that? I'm so stupid. Jesus Christ._'

These thoughts ran through Jade's mind in an endless stream as she sprinted away from Tori's house, heading towards her place less than ten blocks away. She knew no one would be home and she would be free to do whatever she wanted with herself, and with the dozen unique pairs of scissors stuffed underneath her mattress.

'_She's going to tell everyone. I hate her. I'm so stupid. Why did I do that? I'm not even gay. What's wrong with me? I'm such a screw up. Stupid, stupid._'

Her boots pounded the pavement, carrying her down the familiar sidewalks, but she could feel people looking at her as she passed and after a couple blocks she slowed. She carefully composed her face and her stride to convey an attitude of confidence and self-control, though internally her mind's cruel assessment of her actions persisted.

'_Stupid, stupid_.'

She finally reached her house and let herself in quickly. She slammed the door behind her and threw her bag to the side, stumbling to her room. Her thoughts were whirling in her head, not allowing her to think anything truly coherent. She felt as though she couldn't even see anything that had definite form, like she was immersed in a fog that was muting her mind and all of her senses. The only thing that cut through the fog was the critical, sharp stream of self-consciousness in her head.

Jade entered her bedroom and fell to her knees beside her bed. She lifted the mattress and fumbled for one of the pairs of scissors, not caring which one she used at this point. They could all do the job well. She knew each of their sharpest points, what angle each needed to be at to slice through skin the best, making each of them remarkably efficient in her hands.

The pair she came up with happened to be the first pair she had ever used to cut, back in eighth grade. At once it seemed like yesterday and a million years away. She felt far from the kid she had been then, but still facing the same issues, still with the same black cloud hovering constantly over her head.

'_There's something wrong with me._'

Jade floundered with her sleeve. Her hands were shaking and it took a few tries for her fingers to grasp the fabric and push it up past her elbow.

The skin on her left forearm was a mess. Cuts in various stages of healing crisscrossed each other, some a few days old and still not scabbed over, some almost invisible and faded with the years.

'_It's almost unbelievable how much I screw things up._'

Jade didn't take note of the cuts already on her arm. She found a point higher up, closer to her elbow than her wrist, and flicked the scissors open. Without thinking, she pressed the edge against her skin and applied pressure, enough to open up a wide gash, but not enough to warrant stitches. Her hands knew the balance.

She felt the sting of the wound and her eyes closed, her face lifting up towards the ceiling in relief. Her body relaxed as the tension in her muscles dissolved, chased out by the pain. Her shoulders slouched and she slumped forward, bent in two. The fists she didn't realize her left hand had formed unclenched slowly. Physically and mentally, she was at ease.

Jade sat silently for a moment more, her soft breaths lengthening, before she opened her eyes again and looked down at the mess she'd made. She grabbed a box of tissues and cleaned up quickly, mopping up the blood, running water over her arm, and bandaging the cut. A familiar routine.

xx

Tori had never been to Jade's house before, but she knew the address and she plugged it into her Pear phone so it could direct her as she jogged down the unfamiliar California streets.

For a solid ten minutes after Jade had left, Tori had stood motionless in shock by the fact that Jade had kissed her. She'd never thought that maybe Jade was bisexual or possibly even gay; it had always been a given in her mind that Jade loved Beck and only Beck. The thought crossed her mind that maybe Jade had only been using him to cover up her true sexuality, but as soon as it entered Tori's head she banished it, knowing that Jade's feelings for him had been true.

Then, with no way to know if Jade was straight, bi or gay, Tori brushed aside those thoughts and turned to trying to decide if she even _cared_ what Jade's sexuality was. She had never known anyone who wasn't straight before, at least not that she knew of, and she didn't really know how to approach such an unfamiliar problem. Her first thought was '_It's wrong, isn't it_?' because she'd only ever seen straights before, in public, in the media, in school, wherever. Plus, her mom had normally been her teacher when it came to the difference between good and bad, and if something wasn't spoken of it was taboo. Her mother had never once mentioned if girls could like other girls, making Tori think that it couldn't be good.

But then she thought about how Jade's fingers had felt on her cheek, how soft her lips were, how she had felt all of the bad in Jade leaving, how completely and totally _right_ the kiss had felt. '_Well, i__f society considers it wrong then I want no part in what's considered right._'

Only long minutes after Jade's departure did Tori interrupt her introspective musings of her emotions to consider Jade's. That's when she realized Jade was probably just as confused as she was. That's when Tori found Jade's address stored in her contacts list in her phone, plugged it into the phone's map and set out to follow her.

She jogged down the streets, following the twists and turns her phone told her to take, chewing on her lip nervously and trying to ignore the butterflies slicing holes in her gut.

When she reached Jade's house, she approached the door warily and tried the handle. Unlocked, it turned easily, and Tori let herself in.

"Jade?" she called uncertainly. Why was she here again? What if Jade didn't even want her here? What if she was totally wrong when she said that Jade needed someone as a shoulder to lean on?

There was no answer to her call.

"Jade?" she repeated, louder this time, but still without response.

When she glanced around though, she saw Jade's bag and knew she had to be home. Tori went up the flight of stairs directly ahead of the front door, thinking Jade was probably in her room. She tried two doors on the second floor before opening the one that revealed Jade sitting on the floor of her room, back against the far wall, knees to her chest and hands in her lap. She had evidently heard Tori coming, as she showed no sign of surprise when the other girl entered.

"What are you doing in my house, Vega?" Jade demanded, but without her usual malice or conviction. She just seemed weary.

"I... came to see if you were alright."

"Well I'm just great," was Jade's sarcastic reply.

Tori went over to Jade and sat down by her side, looking sideways at her and offering a small smile. Jade rolled her eyes. "Just tell me what you want and get out."

Tori paused a moment.

"Jade," she said softly. When Jade turned her face to Tori's, their eyes met for a short moment, and then as her answer to Jade's question, Tori leaned over to her and kissed her.

This time, it was Jade who was still at first, hesitant because she wasn't sure that this was what she actually wanted. In all the time she had had to herself after she left Tori's house, she had concluded that the kiss had been a mistake she had made in a panic. But when she felt Tori's hand come to a rest on her knee, she realized it wasn't it a mistake at all. She did want Tori, and oh God she wanted her.

Jade kissed Tori back, so gently it seemed impossible that all of her harsh words came out of the same mouth. Jade felt more at home than she had ever felt before, like nothing bad existed anymore.

Then Tori pulled away, not sure what was happening but sure that it was all she would need to be happy for quite a while.

Jade smiled at her and stroked her cheek. For a moment the world was perfect. Then she dropped her hand and looked away.

"_No one_ can know, okay? About any of this." Her commanding voice left no room for disagreement.

"You think I would tell?" Tori asked with a light grin.

"I'm serious," Jade said. "Tell. No. One."

"I won't, Jade. Pinky promise!" The flippancy with which she responded worried Jade slightly, but she just glared at Tori for a second and let it drop, knowing that she would be just as distraught if word got out about... whatever it was that they were doing.

Then, as the question bubbled up in Tori's head, she asked, her voice now more serious, "Jade? That day in school, why did you cut then?" Her voice still stumbled over the word "cut"; this too was unfamiliar terrain.

Jade sighed and leaned her head back against the wall. "I don't know. It was... Beck. I think. It was seeing him with that stupid 'I'll make you cupcakes with all my love whenever you want' girl. There's something about Beck that makes me pissed off at anyone else who has his attention for even a second. I can't _stand_ it."

Tori fell quiet, slightly hurt. The jealousy that was unexpectedly rumbling inside of her was foreign, too. When Jade kissed her she thought that she was her only one, that she was special. She had allowed herself to briefly believe that Jade's feelings for Beck weren't real, but they were. Tori felt the same jealousy of Beck that Jade had of Meredith.

Then Tori had an idea.

"Hey!" She sat up excitedly, her mood suddenly on the opposite end of the spectrum.

"What?" Jade asked, annoyed by her enthusiasm.

"We still have to write a song for the concert, right?"

"Yeah..."

"Let's write about that!"

"...About what?" Her voice was condescending and spiteful again, but Tori ignored the tone.

"About that jealous feeling! 'There's something about him that makes me pissed off at anyone who has his attention,'" she quoted, making her voice whiney in a playful imitation of Jade's.

"I don't sound like that!"

"Come on Jade, we could write such a good song!"

"Fine."

"We're doing it?"

"Sure. You can have your fun."

"Yay!" She clapped her hands and grinned like a puppy, happy they had settled on a song topic, happy Jade had kissed her back, happy because she could feel Jade starting to trust her.


	5. Chapter 5

_A/N: _Everyone who reviews is basically my favorite person in the entire world. You guys are actually the best, thanks a million! Also, sorry for being slow to update. School and the normal excuses. Plus I spend 10x more time editing than writing, so I'm sorry. :(

* * *

**Chapter 5**

xx

_I held your name inside my heart but it got buried in my fear. It tore the wiring of my brain; I did my best to keep it clear.  
__-Andria, La Dispute_

xx

The problem was that while Jade would never hold back when it came to criticizing people she disliked, she was much more hesitant about being open with who she cared about.

Tori and Jade didn't see each other the following day, and when Monday came around Tori was excited to be seeing the other girl again, feeling like Saturday had been too long ago. She wanted to make sure that Jade hadn't changed her mind about anything.

She walked into school with an eager smile stretched across her face and sauntered right up to Jade's locker, where Jade was sorting through her things in search of what she needed for her morning classes.

"Hey Jade!" Tori chirped, leaning against the locker to Jade's left, closer than she ever would have stood before. She was close enough that Jade could detect the faint trace of floral perfume that Tori wore, could see where her eyeliner was ever so slightly smudged in the corner of her right eye, could have kissed her.

Jade reached up and, with her pinky finger, erased the smudge of eyeliner. At her touch, Tori's breath caught and she had to bite her lip to keep from smiling too hard. She watched Jade's eyes, and was startled when they darted up to meet hers. Jade's eyes searched hers for a second, then she turned away and closed her locker.

Her eyes fixed straight ahead, at the scissors in the door of her locker, she said, "Stop talking to me, Vega."

Tori's lips parted in surprise, and she was sure she had misheard. "What?"

Now Jade looked at her, and all tenderness was gone. "Go... somewhere else."

"What?" was all she could dumbly repeat. She couldn't have been wrong about Jade liking her, there was no way, not after all that. Or did she seriously want to forget everything that had happened? Was she just going to pretend nothing had gone on?

"Are you deaf?" Jade rolled her eyes at Tori and walked away, heading towards her first class.

But Tori knew she hadn't been wrong. She couldn't doubt what she had seen in Jade when they were together, the way that she opened up for her. She had just thought that Jade had enough self-confidence that the two of them being together in public wouldn't create a problem, but Tori supposed that Jade was still scared. She just didn't know what exactly it was that was inducing the fear.

Later though, at lunch, Jade didn't object when Tori took a seat next to her at the table, when she could have easily sat opposite her, next to Andre.

"So how's your song coming?" Beck asked Jade and Tori, taking a greedy gulp of his Coke. His subconscious took note of the fact that Tori had switched up the normal seating arrangement in favor of being beside Jade for whatever reason, but apparently his mind didn't deem the occurrence important enough to call to conscious attention.

"Well, we haven't actually started yet," Tori replied, glancing sideways at Jade.

"Yeah, Vega here is a nightmare to work with," Jade returned with a wicked smile directed at Tori. She had taken lead of the conversation, set the tone and left Tori to follow up.

"I am not!" She thought back to early on Saturday, when they had first sat down to try to write their song. "You're the one who was ready to give up!" She understood that most of what this was was a show they were putting on for the others. If Jade didn't want to be open, Tori would play along until she was ready.

"Because your ideas were stupid."

"Well our song is coming along well, thanks for asking," Andre cut in, gesturing to Beck.

"Yeah," Beck confirmed. "We're almost done."

"Oh good for you," Jade said with heavy sarcasm.

"You know the concert is on Friday, right? You guys don't have much time," he said.

"I know when it is," Jade snapped.

Beck held up his hands defensively without replying.

Just then Robbie joined them at the table. "Hey guys!"

"Hey! Where's Cat?" Tori asked.

"Oh, she's talking with Sikowitz about how to tell the difference between all of the different white jellybeans."

"What?" Beck asked.

"Well, because they all look almost the same, right? I mean, how can you tell the difference between coconut and vanilla?"

"_Are_ there vanilla jellybeans?"

As Beck, Andre, and Robbie launched into a discussion about jellybean flavors, the two girls just watched.

Under the cover of the debate, Tori dropped her hand below the table and reached over to take Jade's without looking at her. Jade smiled almost undetectably and squeezed Tori's hand lightly. She wished they could be more free with their relationship, but she didn't want to be judged by her friends or by anyone else at school or in general. Even the thought of being on the receiving end of nasty looks in the halls or streets made her nervous, though she would never admit it.

When Tori felt Jade squeeze her hand in return, her stomach turned and she almost laughed with relief. Even though she had logically known that Jade's earlier words were probably just defense mechanisms, doubts had been building in her mind all day. This minor confirmation set her mind at ease and reassured her that yes, Jade was still hers.

Ands this was an agreement. Their hands together were a promise that they were together. Things had been up and down, fights and kisses and more fights, but with their skin touching each knew that things were going to be more steady between them. Something unshakeable had been established and they could believe that things were working out and everything was going to be just fine.

Then Jade let go of Tori's hand and stood. "While you idiots argue about jellybeans, Tori and I are going to go try to figure out this stupid song thing." She looked down at Tori expectantly, her eyes holding a little too long.

"Right, yeah," Tori said vaguely, also standing. "Our song."

The two left the others at the table with less than ten minutes to themselves before lunch was over. Andre, Beck, and Robbie watched them go.

"Did that seem weird to anyone else?" Beck asked, once they were out of earshot.

"What?" Robbie said.

Beck paused. "Nah, forget it." He shook his head. But there had been something that struck him as odd in the way Tori had left without any sort of reluctance, and in the fact that they didn't even have enough way to make significant headway in their song, but mostly his unease stemmed from the way that Jade had looked at Tori. He knew Jade better than anyone else, all of her looks and mannerisms, and the expression that he had just seen on Jade's face was one that previously had been reserved for only him. She had tried to hide the affection on her face, but she had never been very good at hiding anything from him. He had even been aware of her cutting habits from the first month they had been dating, though he had never actually talked to her about it. His method had been to try to make her feel better so that she wouldn't feel the need to cut anymore, but he wasn't sure how well his plan had gone.

Beck rubbed his eyes, pushing thoughts of Jade out of his mind. It seemed like Tori and Jade were finally becoming friends, and that was something he wasn't going to worry about. Jade needed a good friend. He turned his attention back to the conversation, which was now about what vanilla was supposed to taste like anyway because were vanilla plants a real thing?

Meanwhile, Tori followed Jade through the empty halls of the school. At the door to the janitor's closet, Jade glanced around to make sure no one was watching, and then she quickly opened the door and pulled Tori in. As soon as the other girl was through, Jade wordlessly closed the door, pushed Tori up against it, and kissed her.

Behind the kiss was a kind of passion that Tori wasn't used to. Her idea of romance had been like Prince Charming and Cinderella, hesitant touches and careful chasing, and this was something else entirely. Jade kissing her in this way made her want to belong to her, like the fires within each of them could collide into something brilliant.

Jade's hands moved to Tori's hips as she kissed her, their lips moving in a synchronized dance. With Tori, she felt alive, she felt real.

She let her lips linger as long as she dared, savoring the feel of how their bodies connected. When she broke away from Tori, they stood breathless with foreheads touching and arms around each other.

"This is how it has to be, okay? No one can know," Jade said, like she had before. "No one." She moved her head back so she could look at Tori. When she spoke again, her voice was softer. "I like you, okay? And no matter what I say in front of the others, don't forget it."

"Why can't we just let them know though? Andre, Beck, Robbie and Cat wouldn't care. They're our friends. You're being silly."

Jade separated herself from Tori, moving out of her arms. "It's about more than that." How could she explain that she couldn't let others talk about her sexuality when she wasn't even sure how to define it herself?

Tori nodded, not really understanding but not wanting to push Jade. "Fine. We'll go slow." She smiled.

Jade grimly smiled back just as the bell rang, signaling the end of lunch and the start of the next period. She stepped back towards Tori, giving her one last kiss before sweeping past her and out the door, back into the world of Hollywood Arts.

Tori stood still in the janitor's closet for a moment longer, her lips turned up in the shape of a smile. As much as she wanted everyone to know about her and Jade, this whole secret romance thing could be a lot of fun.


	6. Chapter 6

_A/N:_ Sorry for the wait... I don't have any excuses, lol, but I hope you guys love me anyway! I love you if you're still reading, anyway. But I wrote this chapter and the next in the same sitting, so 7 will be up in a couple days. You'll like it, promise. xo

* * *

**Chapter 6**

xx

_What a shame we all became such fragile broken things.  
-Let the Flames Begin, Paramore_

xx

And it was fun, Tori and Jade's secret romance. The inevitable comparison was Romeo and Juliet, with Jade playing the Romeo to Tori's Juliet. They were so wrapped up in each other, so thoroughly infatuated that each wanted nothing more than to dedicate every second to drinking up the essence of the other.

But they couldn't be as free as they wanted. It was tough for them both in school, each spending classes longing to be together but having to be incredibly careful about their words and movements when they were together. Jade was always anxious and wary, terrified that someone would find them out. Tori was only worried because Jade was, but mostly she didn't really care if anyone knew. She had decided love was love and that was all that mattered.

There were only a few certain times when they could be together. As Jade noted, it was like divorced parents dividing custody of a kid. These times they could be together, these times they couldn't. These times they could be happy, these times they had to suppress their emotions. In the space between classes they could press themselves together in rarely used back hallways and revel in the few minutes they had. Afternoons and evenings they could pass contentedly at Tori's house trying to get their song written for Friday, though they kept getting distracted by each other.

"We're supposed to be writing a song!" Tori said Wednesday night, trying to suppress her giggles.

"But I never knew you were so ticklish," Jade said, reaching over to tickle Tori's side again and laughing at the squirming response.

"Stop!" Tori gasped between laughs. She was curled up on her side in a ball, trying to protect her most ticklish areas from Jade's reach.

Jade, sitting cross-legged and looking down at Tori, grinned sadistically and quickly reached over to tickle the unprotected bottoms of her feet, causing Tori to almost cry from laughing so hard.

Jade smiled as Tori fought to compose herself again. Once she had her breath back she cautiously unrolled herself and lay flat on her back, eyeing Jade to make sure she wouldn't tickle her again.

"It's been fives days," Jade said, amused. "How can I like you so much already?" She leaned over and kissed Tori.

"I know we said we were going to write a song about jealousy," Tori said after Jade had moved to lay down next to her, "but let's write about us!"

"A love song?" The way Jade said it, it sounded like a disease.

"Or a... 'like' song, but yeah!"

"But we'd be singing together."

"Yeah...?"

"People could figure out that we're... a thing."

"They would never guess Jade, come on. You and I aren't exactly likely to be voted best couple."

Jade turned her head sideways to look at Tori, and Tori mirrored her movement. Tori's eyes were bright and pleading, making her look like a lab in a game of fetch, adorable and impossible to refuse.

"I don't want to," Jade said, with difficulty. The eagerness in Tori barely flickered.

"Please?"

"No."

"Please!"

"No!"

"It wouldn't be that bad-"

"Yes it would."

"Everyone would just assume you're singing about Beck!" Tori said, her enthusiastic voice trailing off slightly at the last word, and she instantly regretted mentioning him. She saw Jade stiffen and could almost feel her shutting down again. Jade was so much more sensitive than most would believe, hurt so many times by so many different people that she had trained herself to stop outwardly caring about anyone who had ever let her down. Tori wasn't sure how long that list of people was, but she got that feeling that it was several times the length of her own.

"You're going to regret it!" Tori said in a sing-song voice, trying to frost over the blunder she had made in bringing up Beck.

"If I ever decide I want to sing a stupid love song with you, I'll have plenty of opportunities." She had been at least partially joking up until this point, but now her words were truly scathing. She rolled onto her stomach, propping herself up with her elbows.

"But not this opportunity!"

The girls glared at each other for a moment, and even though it was Jade who wore the pants in the relationship, even though Jade didn't like to budge for anyone, even though the thought of Beck always brought up so many memories that hurt regardless of whether they were good or bad, she knew she was going to give in. She didn't see why Tori so badly wanted to do this, but she would let her.

"Please Jade, please? For me?"

"Fine."

"Fine?" Tori asked, perking up immediately.

"Fine," Jade confirmed.

"Yes!" She scrambled to her knees and then half tackled half hugged Jade. "I have an idea though," she said, letting go. "Let's write parts on our own, so they, you know, they mean something. You write a verse and I'll write a verse, and we'll do the chorus together, and then put it all together!"

"Okay, Vega." The last name usage had in the past been a condescending term, but now Jade used it affectionately. She couldn't stay closed off for long when she was with Tori. When had the other girl even acquired that power over her?

Tori settled down again, stretching out on her back once more with Jade on her stomach beside her. She watched the molecules of dust that floated suspended in the shafts of light in her room. They swayed slowly to the ground, a kind of calm beauty that people rarely took note of.

"Hey, Jade?"

"Yeah?"

"Did you stop?" Her voice held the remnants of the glee from moments ago but it was tentative now as well.

"Stop what?" Jade asked, but she knew exactly what Tori meant. Why couldn't she just leave the topic alone? If it were her she wouldn't like talking about it either.

"You know. Hurting yourself."

"No."

"So you still cut?" Tori's eyes flickered to Jade's face and away again. She was still out of her depth with these kinds of subjects. She could tell that Jade was really wary about talking but Tori just wasn't sure whether that meant she was supposed to leave her alone or push her harder. She wasn't sure if Jade needed to talk, but she did know that unless she made her, she wouldn't.

"I haven't since the night you found me, but there are other ways to self harm, you know." Then her voice dropped so that Tori could barely hear her next sentence. "You could be considered one of them." Her voice was like a ghost.

Tori dutifully kept her eyes on the ceiling and the dust and the light, letting the length of the silence grow after Jade's last words. She didn't have any idea what she was supposed to say to a statement like that. When she looked over at Jade next, the other girl's eyes were fixed intently on her face.

Tori hugged Jade again, but she didn't let go so quickly this time. She held Jade in her arms and could feel just how frail her body was, how fragile anyone's existence was. But two were stronger than one.

xx

Later that night, when Jade was walking home, she thought about what she was going to do about Tori's song proposal. She was nervous about this new idea. Talking about her emotions was impossible, singing them was just doable, but when she did put her thoughts into song they typically involved a lot more anger than a ballad called for. Love songs meant vulnerability and if there was one word she would never allow anyone to describe her as it was vulnerable, even if there was truth in the word.

She knew that the whole song thing was going to be far harder for her than for Tori.

When Jade left Tori's house that night she walked home slowly, mulling over the words bouncing around in her head and trying to pick out usable phrases but nothing in her head was intelligible enough. She stared at the stars and saw Tori in them but couldn't figure out how to put into words the peacefulness she felt when they were together.

She was still thinking about their song the next day during school, trying desperately to put something together before they met that night. The concert was tomorrow, after all, and though Sikowitz was always okay with giving them extra time in school to practice before that night, there was little time left no matter how she looked at it and drawing a blank was not good.

Jade was in the middle of worrying when Beck approached her at her locker after first period. If her thoughts had been muddled before, when she saw him coming there was not a single coherent feeling, thought or word to be found in Jade. She hated that he still had the power over her to make her feel like this, like she was forever at his mercy.

He came right up to her and wasted no time in getting to the point. "I miss you," he said, dark eyes look out at her from behind his hair. His sincerity was undeniable.

"Yeah, well, you're the one who let me go," she reminded him coldly, but she couldn't pretend that she didn't miss him too. When she was with Tori, she was all she needed, but whenever Beck passed her in the halls her heart still skipped a beat and she would still walk through Hell for him if he asked.

After all, he had been her first. She had given every part of herself to him. She had brushed aside all of fears, cut out her heart and handed it to him to examine. In doing so she allowed him to know her when no one had passed her walls before, and she was never able to make him understand how much it meant to her that he didn't run away. Most would have bolted when they saw the kind of darkness that polluted Jade's mind and past, but not Beck. He had looked her in the eye and told her everything was okay, and that was the first time in her life that she had believed those words.

Plus, he had been right. While outwardly her attitude changed little, Beck brought Jade away from the ghosts that so often took her over. It hadn't stopped her from cutting but her it had slowed it when they were a couple, because everything in the world made a little more sense when he held her hand.

But when the day they broke up and Jade walked out that door, it wasn't Beck following her but those shadows. She left him behind and the arms of her demons embraced her like a consoling mother. In his absence she once more succumbed to their whispers.

And then Tori had come along. Silly Tori. Naive Tori, with her smiles and optimism. Stupid Tori, who somehow made her feel the things she thought only Beck could make her feel, even though the two were as opposite from each other as they could get.

Tori, Beck. Beck, Tori. Didn't love triangles like this only happen in movies?

"Letting you go was the biggest mistake I've ever made," he said, calling her back to attention. "I love you, Jade."

"I love you too," she replied immediately, her mouth releasing the words without her approval. She paused, ensuring she had control of herself and watching as a small smile appeared on his face. She forced the next sentence out in a rush. "But there's someone else."

His smile turned to pained disbelief, but the expression only lasted half a second before being replaced by his trademark cool-guy look. They were similar in that respect, Jade noted, hiding their emotions as best they could, whether positive or negative. Maybe that was why she needed Tori – not just to help her be happy but to help her _allow_ herself to be happy.

"Who?" he asked in a voice that would betray nothing to someone who didn't know him as well as Jade did.

"Just someone."

"All the other guys at our school are scared of you, Jade."

"That's probably true."

Beck was confused but he realized she wasn't going to tell him anything. He looked at her for another moment, and she looked back at him. His face was stoic but something inside of him was slipping, because he knew this was it; he'd lost her for good, though it didn't happen the night they broke up, but somewhere else along the way. Somewhere in all of their fights they had really become broken, unfixable no matter how much he wanted to make things better again. And wasn't going to beg; neither of them would tolerate that. So for a moment he let his gaze linger on the unfamiliar girl who had once been his, and then he left.


	7. Chapter 7

_A/N: _Okay so yes I'm a filthy rotten liar because I said I would be faster than I was. Hate me. :(

* * *

**Chapter 7**

xx

_I just wanna chase forever down with you around.  
-With You Around, Yellowcard_

xx

Tori and Jade stood nervously backstage as Cat and Robbie worked their way through their song. Robbie was on guitar and Cat twirled tantalizingly around him, batting her eyelashes innocently as she sang.

"Robbie looks like a drugged monkey," Jade said, watching him nod along to the beat.

Tori recognized the glib as a sign of nervousness and she gently touched her fingers to the back of Jade's hand. "No one's going to know if we don't want them to, Jade."

Jade exhaled slowly before balling her hands into fists and stepping away from Tori. She didn't even look at her, just clenched her jaw and tapped her foot anxiously.

She wasn't afraid of performing, but she was afraid of what people would think of her singing a love song with Tori Vega. Yeah the kids at Hollywood Arts tended to be exceptionally stupid but what if someone started a rumor for fun?

And, because of how she had written her part of the song, she felt like she was betraying Tori. She had written her lines after her encounter with Beck, and her thoughts had been muddled and her feelings towards each of them had blended in a way that she couldn't sort out. To Jade, the song was about both Tori and Beck, the boy she was supposed to love and the girl she could never allow herself to like. Did any part of Jade even deserve an honest girl like Tori?

The lights dimmed on the stage. Robbie stood and awkwardly waved to the clapping kids. He took Cat's hand and the two did a stage bow before waltzing off the stage.

"Looks like you and Cat are getting on well," Tori commented suggestively to Robbie, smiling at his happiness.

He nodded, but his mind seemed like it was still focused on Cat rather than what Tori was saying. "She's amazing. So, good luck to you both, Miss Tori and Miss Jade. Break a leg!" He pranced away after Cat, who had said she was going to go see if anyone had brought any cheese puffs.

Tori and Jade glanced at each other as they heard Andre say, "And now, give it up for Tori and Jade!" from the stage.

The crowd clapped expectantly, but Jade's eyes were locked into Tori's in a gaze that neither of them could break just yet. This moment, being together in public in front of all of their peers singing a song like this, seemed like a big reveal, even if no one would know that they were together.

"Ready?" Tori asked.

"Ready."

The two turned towards the stage, plastered bright smiles on their faces, and stepped out into the lights. They jumped around stage as the band started its fast rhythm, the drums beating a fast tempo and the vibrations of the night cutting through the night, waking up the world. This was a celebration song, not a ballad.

_They say that it's wrong_

_But I don't think they know what's right_

_Because they haven't seen the way_

_Your lips smile when they're on mine_

Tori began the song, strutting around the stage with a smile on her face. Jade followed her lead, getting the crowd alive while the other girl sang. '_This isn't so bad_,' she thought, not nearly as terrifying as she had excepted. After all, music was where she belonged, among the riffs of rock and the crowds of concerts. Music made everything she felt seem okay, normal.

_I won't tell if you won't tell,_

Jade heard Tori sing, and she echoed,

_No, I won't tell if you won't tell_

Tori smiled into her mic at the first sound of Jade's voice. She glanced over at the other girl, who seemed much looser now than she had a minute ago. Jade winked at her and she grinned in return, the minor exchange signifying that things were smooth, and that Jade's fears were now diminished if not vanquished. Tori continued singing,

_And we talked about falling_

_We talked about flying_

_You told me about the silence_

_Between what you feel and what you say_

Tori watched the kids in the crowd grin and sway along, clapping to the beat as she sang. It definitely seemed like Jade had been worried about nothing, because people were more focused on the theatrics and the sound than the actual lyrics or the meaning behind the song.

But then her eyes found Beck, slightly separated from everyone else, though more by his dark demeanor than by physical distance. Unlike everyone else, he was watching without a smile stretched across his face. She could tell just by looking at him that he was one of the few that were hearing the lyrics. His eyes were focused on Jade, even though it was Tori who was singing, and when Tori looked sideways at Jade once more she saw that Jade too had spotted Beck in the crowd. They were looking at each other, and suddenly Tori felt like she wasn't even there anymore. There was an intensity in both of them that she couldn't match and didn't understand. She thought she understood Jade but she didn't speak the language they were communicating with.

_And I know I'm just a girl with a dream_

_But I would speak forever_

_If it would save you from your silence_

And then it was time for the chorus, and Tori was relieved that Jade was brought back to herself, and Tori, in time for it. They sang together,

_We can't live in the light_

_So let's belong to the night_

But as they went through the chorus, Jade stayed on the opposite side of the stage from her. They both understood stage presence perfectly and they were putting on a good show for their audience, but though Tori smiled and laughed she felt separated from Jade in that moment. She had never thought she would be the jealous type, but she knew how in love Jade and Beck and been and she was afraid she could never mean that much to her. Tori didn't want to lose her. She couldn't.

_Your hand in mine_

_We'll take the stars as a sign_

_And scream about how we are one_

The chorus drew to a close and there was a brief instrumental break. During it, Jade turned to Tori, holding her gaze as she moved across the stage towards her. Tori started moving towards Jade too and they meant halfway, in the center of the stage. Under the glaring lights and the alert eyes of a hundred teenagers who lived to gossip, the two of them stood less than a foot apart, not touching but not needing to. The tension between them was as visible as if there were physical ropes binding them together and they could feel the atoms of their bodies reaching out towards each other. Tori's heart was beating at a pace the drums could never hope to catch as Jade began her verse without breaking eye contact.

_You saw the monster inside of me_

_I told you to run_

_But you said you weren't afraid_

They had gone over the song before this, each listening to the parts of the other to make sure they meshed, but this was different. It was like Tori was hearing the words for the first time because she knew that Jade _meant_ them.

And Jade certainly did. When she had been standing apart from Tori with her eyes on Beck, she had been wrestling with her feelings for him. She knew that he had already given up his active quest to get her back, but if she gave him the okay she knew he would come running back. But she had decided that she didn't want him back. His part in her story was done. He had been the boy that had showed her how to live and how to survive, and while she had once thought that he was the boy that she would die without she now knew that she was okay without him. Air still entered her lungs when he wasn't in her mind and she still woke up in the mornings when he wasn't beside her.

_And I never understood what "home" meant_

_Before you sent me to sea_

And now this was a song about Tori. Whatever bits of Beck had been in the song were gone, and this was about Jade and Tori, and Tori and Jade, and no one else. This was a song about Tori, and Jade wanted to share it with everyone. She wanted to sing the song a hundred times over until everyone she knew understood how much she had come to care about this girl.

_And my monster is trying to make me drown_

_But I can navigate by your eyes_

As she closed her verse, Jade said with her eyes, '_It's you, Tori. I want you and not him. Please say that's okay._'

Tori gave the smallest nod, and it was cemented.

She reached over and took Jade's hand, and they heard the noise level of the audience drop, but only slightly. They had held hands on stage before, but something in the energy between them told the crowd that maybe this was something different. Jade could see the confusion on the faces of the more aware kids when the two of them finally broke eye contact and turned to face everyone, grins stretched across their faces.

_We can't live in the light_

_So let's belong to the night_

_Your hand in mine_

_We'll take the stars as a sign_

_And scream about how we are one_

They were one, but they didn't want to be kept in the dark anymore.

_We'll take the stars as a sign_

_And scream about how we are one_

They turned to face each other once more as the song came to an end. Their eyes were both shining in reflection of the happiness of their hearts and there was an unspoken agreement between them concerning the grand finale.

_We are one_

_We are one_

The last lines of the song echoed through the night and the lights on the stage flashed as the drummer played his final beats and the guitarists strummed their final notes. And, just before the lights went dark and the song rolled to a complete stop, Jade released Tori's hand, brushed back her hair, and kissed her.

The audience went completely silent for a moment before the whispers and the shouts started. Some clapped, a few half-jokingly screamed derogatory names, most were stunned into silence.

But neither Tori nor Jade took much note of what anyone else was doing. Their mics fell forgotten to the stage as they kissed, a kiss that tasted of relief and sweat. In that moment they really were one, the heat of their bodies indistinguishable and everything they felt for each other part of an unstoppable explosion that could create and destroy.

The music stopped and the lights went out, and Tori and Jade smiled contentedly into each other.


End file.
